motherhood.

today was the first time i thought being a mom was hard.

maybe it was being woken up with screaming and crying for the hundredth time.
it could have been the food flinging at breakfast.
or the binkie getting lost 5 times before noon.
or how about the skipped nap.
&& how could i forget the mess making in a just cleaned room.
but what really set it off was the gardeners arrival.
right after i finally managed to get ry down.
thus resulting in some more screaming.

i used to hate when people refered to being a mom as hard.
i felt like it was comparing it to keeping up with my laundry, that is hard.
motherhood is more that hard. its 24/7. no escaping. its more of a constant struggle.
you cant use the restroom in peace. or enjoy eating something alone.
theres no spontaneous outings. everything must have some kind of planning && packing.
no sitting down to relax. someone is being to quiet which means trouble.
every move, every thought, everything is second guessed.
no matter how many books i read, advice i get, or research i do i still feel clueless.

how the heck am i supposed to discipline a 13 month old??
how the heck to i get her off my dang boob!? (she tries to sleep with a hand up my shirt)
how do i deal with her picky eating that happened over night?? mac n cheese isn't that nutritious im sure.
how do i get through the tantrums that seem to be happening all the time?? i'd like to stay somewhat sane.

don't get me wrong, i love being a mother. i wouldn't trade it for anything.
but seriously i had no idea how much of a rollercoaster it was.
one second im overcome with fustration && anxiety then the next second im so happy && amazed.
all it takes is one squinty smile && some reminding myself  that everything i struggle with is worth it.

she's worth it.

a cleaning challenge.

sometimes i almost wish i had ocd. just a slight one that is. very slight.
the reason being that i wish i could be less of a bum.
i really want to be a super super cleaner, all the time not just SOME of the time.

occasionally i'll get into these crazy cleaning moods.

however occasionally just isnt cutting it. lets be real here in a messy room theres always that slight stress, that feeling that you just cant completely relax. with my schedule i need every little time to myself to just relax.

lately ive been getting better. i finally after 20 1/2 years of life learned that if you make yourself start something, just make yourself get up off the couch, its so much easier to keep going. if i make myself get up to clean this, sanitize that or pick up a room i want to keep going.

when i said bum i meant ever since i could remember i was, well, lazy. i knew i needed to finish my homework, clean my room, && do my chore. rarely did those get accomplished all together. i just dont have enough self motivation. thats why i didnt succeed the way i could have in school.

well its time to become the person i want. to finish things i start. && to prove to myself i can accomplish things. no matter how big or how small. i'll challenge myself to many little tasks && hopefully by the end i'll be a new momma!

here's a list:
follow the chore chart.
keep up with the laundry.
workout at least 3x a week.
no more late night snacking.
complete a quilt.
complete an article of clothing for me.
complete an article of clothing for rylie.
vacum as much a possible.
dishes at least once a day.
keep car cleaned out.
find more baby friendly cleaning ideas.

thats enough...for now.

picnics && party planning

yesterday's weather was AUH-MAZ-ING!
a cheerio picnic was in order.

since daniel works at sams club, he sees many things that haven't sold go on super dooper sale.

things he brought home so far include 50 bars of dove men soap, 10 bottles of dove men body wash, backpack with axe products inside, crest tooth care kits && today glade candles.

96 candles to be exact. what am i going to with 96 winter edition candles?? daniel has the brilliant idea to put one in goody bags for rylie's party. genius! they were 93 cents per 4 pack. im thinking vanilla && cinnamon apple will be the only acceptable scents...but i might throw a few green & purple in. ill definitely have to wrap either ribbon or paper around them to incorporate our theme. which is sunflowers && lady bugs. with a hint of stripes && polka dots.

here's the invite i made.

i picked this stuff up at target, each thing was about a dollar. i <3 the dollar section && clearance.

there's still so much to make, i just hope my vision && ideas come out the way i want.  i dont want a matchy matchy cartoony birthday. i want it to be half as fabulous as all the wonderfully gorgeous party i see all over blogosphere!

oh yeah && another thing, i need to get back into working on being healthier... my sister has caught up to me!!

whats on my phone!!??

i always read these posts from jessica @ the Lowe Family News... so here's mine.

first time pigtailer right thurrr.

sometimes its ok to go to target matching your cousin && screaming

with excitment seeing as how it's your first time in

the double seater cart thingy.

monster baby.

rylie likes to help walk the dog.

however,

dora isnt too fond of getting run over.

dora after seeing a big dog....

yes im the bestest at matching her outfits.

squishy face

cruisin in walmart, maybe eating some fries...maybe.

future hotdogger. yes thats a real word.

my best friend happens to be a hot dogger.

super model status.

arkansas on the brain.

all we can think about is arkansas!

we want to move around august. but we have lots to save up, lets hope it all falls into place.

see up there in the right hand corner... right where it says jonesboro??

yeah thats where going :)
close to memphis.
a train ride away from new orleans.
a drive to florida.
basically right in the middle of everything.
im so excited to spend my 21st birthday doing something so different.
in a place so new.
we had wanted to take a trip to see it before but decided its a waste of money. we're just going to wing it. travel cross country with rylie jane && start a new chapter. mardi gras next year... yeah we'll be there :) daniel && i have double date buddies {my cousin && her bf}, rylie has a playmate only 3 months older {baby cousin farrah}, && most of all we'll have my amazing grandmother :)

i cant wait to have my grandma teach me some of her mad cookin skills.

i'm excited to spend afternoons watching cartoons with her too.

i can finally experience hobby lobby.

when its hot out we can hit up the river for a good ole river float.

do some shopping in a mall that i dont know like the back of my hand.

rylie can wake up too a white christmas.

sunday family dinners will resume.


i had too, i sure do love me some Norman Rockwell :)


pretty much.. im excited, nervous, anxious, scared, hopeful, && so ready for our family adventure!



&& valentines day was amazing!
rylie && i took a long much needed nap.
daniel got home && we just spent family time together.
ate a yummy nummy dinner at olive garden as a family.
came home to cuddle on the couch.
had a nice walk/run with a great friend around my monsterously hilly neighborhood.
&& watched the bad girls club.

shesh im one lucky lady <3333

dreams.

"Dream as if you have forever.

Live as if you only have today."

James Dean

dreams are the limitless imagination of all hopes && wants mixed together. I'm constantly creating new ones && adding to old ones. they comfort me && make me hopeful for the future, forcing me to realize everyday is so precious. thinking about the possibilities of making all these dreams reality can leave me feeling anxiety && complete bliss in the same thought.
what if i cant make it happen??
what if there's just not enough time??
why didn't i do something today to get me that much closer??
but everything is possible. dreams really do come true.
if i make it possible, if i make it come true.
i think of myself standing there in my vision smiling while the "camera" pans out && my arms are out to my sides just soaking up the sun (there's sun in just about every fantasy of mine) without a care in the world. the background being vivid && ideal to that specific dream.

here's a list of these dreams, at least the ones i can think of. maybe i can come up with some sort of organization for my brain. to see what can be achieved first && what can stay just a dream. here goes.


some dreams are as simple as a perfectly organized closet.


source

 to living in far away lands, like South Africa. spending days exploring the terrain, soaking up sun on the beaches, && completely emerging myself in their culture.


source

&& then my favorite, wanting to live in the south, maybe Georgia or Tennessee, in a house with a big porch that wraps around my white house. in the evening daniel && i will sip sweet tea while rylie && our other future children run and play on the tire swing from the giant tree in the front yard.



source

 i definately have more, but right now Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks is calling my Name

no big deal.

yesturday


rylie took her very first steps
all by herself.

no big deal, right?


i was getting ready to go shopping &&
i sat down to see her for a little when all
of the sudden she took five whole steps!
i started hollaring for daniel to hurry && get
the camera{{his phone}} && how does he respond...
"hold on let me blow my nose."

really daniel?? really?
of course your stinkin runny nose is way more
important than rylie's FIRST STEPS.
haha typical daniel.
we are just amazed at her over acheiving
ways already :) all we wanted was for her
to be able to walk by her birthday, in march,
&& it looks like she might even be running
by then! that's my girl.

in other exciting news a challenge has begun
in this house.

a weightloss/ get healthy challenge!
finally we committed to what we knew we needed
to do a long time ago. not only because being fat,
not just chunky anymore, was so annoying but because
rylie deserves to grow up with healthy parents.
it wouldn't be fair for her to have to struggle with
weight && eating later on in life when it's so easy
to stop it all now.
diet.
i hate that word.
nobody wants to be on a diet. few can really honestly
follow it. even fewer are actually happy following it.
so instead of a diet, we decided to just make smarter
decisions about what we put in our mouth.
eat whatever we want but remember portion control!
plus we have the your shape video game for our wii

&& we are always trying to out do each other. 
which motivates me to get off my booty to work out.
we end our workouts literally drenched in sweat so
i'd say it's working!! i hope. haha